What's done cannot be undone!

I do understand him. I mean, if the tables were turned and it was him who got drunk and kissed someone I would probably go ballistic and cry my eyes out and probably never talk to him ever again. It's not fair, what I done to our relationship and I know I just ruined the best relationship that I ever had with someone. I feel absolutely horrible and I just wish something bad will happen to me. 

It does scare me sometimes, that maybe I'm not suit to be in a serious relationship or in any relationship at all. I mean sometimes I have those moments where I just want to go out and meet new people and just have a good time with the people I meet. I miss that feeling of the 'chase' when you're getting to know that person, where you don't have to consider the other persons feelings when making your decision of your action. But then again, I love Moy with all my heart and I literally cannot picture my life without him. I am madly deeply crazy in love with him but it doesn't answer my question. If I am madly deeply crazy in love with him why did I do that. Why did I kiss someone else's lips last night. 

The future is scary, the things that we want right now to happen could completely be different. I don't even trust myself to be honest because I don't know what will happen. What does it mean, do I need Moy every time I go out? No. Like, it is nice to have him there with me but he doesn't always have to take care of me every time I go out. We both have our own lives and I do let him do whatever he wants...most of the time. That's one thing I hate about myself, I like to control situations and I get mad and frustrated at myself if I'm unable to control it. I'm a control freak. Another thing I hate about myself is that I have no patience. Literally. I have no patience at all and it affects my relationship with him. I do try to understand the situations sometimes but I'm always short tempered with things, I guess I get it from my dad who's also short tempered. 

I just don't know what I want anymore. But one thing, I still want Moy in my life, I'm just not sure if I want him as a friend or more than friends. But then again, right now. I just really want to give Moy a really big tight hug. 

Maybe this is the LDR talking. Maybe because he's so far away from me that knowing I've decided ages ago before we even met that I am not an LDR type of person. It's not even an LDR because he's only on holidays for goodness sake! But what if it actually was. I wouldn't be able to cope with a LDR. Sometimes, I just really need good communication and effort and most certainly, assurance from him that everything will be fine.